Promises to Oneself

This is a little something I wrote a few months back. I wanted to write more on it but for some reason I couldn’t. Please do read and I apologize for any mistakes.

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“Haram, Haram, Haram!” Di screamed out, jerking me around. I was staring at the Qur’an sitting across the room. It was beautifully clad in a green velvet cloth. It was gifted to me by Ammi, when I was ten. Since then, I read it every night before I went to sleep. “Ya Allah!! Answer me.” Di screamed again. Questions were being fired at me. But the look on her face after my confession left me with no answers. She was pacing now, talking to herself and reciting Dua’s in between. I did not know what to do. She was my only hope. I did not expect her to understand but I thought she would react better than Abba and Ammi would. If this was “better” , I would rather keep this horrible secret to myself. But I can’t live like this anymore. I just can’t. For years I hated myself for this. I thought it was a perversion , the Qur’an says so too. I prayed to Allah Ta’ala everyday to make me normal. However,the feeling of disgust just kept increasing day by day along with my prayers. But then I felt love . As pure as my faith. I know it in my heart that this is not a perversion. The conflict between my faith and love was becoming too hard to handle. Di was my only way to relieve the burden. Or that is what I thought.

She pushed me onto the bed. I felt like my life was a beautifully made art movie. I could hear her talking in the back of my head. But she did not know that whatever reasons she was stating against my very own existence had already gone through my mind a million times. I did not wake up one morning and just become like this. Neither was this a choice. I had been walking around with this burden for a very, very long time. I had gone through many stages- denial, anger,curiosity and Allah knows what stage I am going through now. I had promised myself that I will never bring it up anywhere. I had promised that I will never talk about it. I had promised myself that I would force myself to marry a man and try my best to attempt to be happy. But then I met her. She was the most beautiful person I ever met. I stayed away from her for as long as I could. I prayed even harder- day and night. But I was too weak. Too weak to fight the attraction. We started talking about everything and anything. The more we talked, the more I fell in love. For once I could be myself and not feel ashamed.

I was so tired of hiding. I was so tired of hating myself. I was always so tired  But now I know why I was so keen on keeping the promises I had made to myself.

“Ayesha! Are you even listening?!” My name, yelled out so loud, broke the thread of my thoughts. I had invoked anger in her by not listening to even a word she said. But I did not know… what to do…what to say… I didn’t know anything.

Shame

Hello people!

Its me again and this time I am going to talk about shame . Now I always have a reason for writing whatever I write. This time its an article that I came across. You can go check it out here —-> https://www.scoopwhoop.com/How-Taboo-Around-Sex-In-India-Broke-A-Marriage/#.hk9kj0hat . I cannot vouch for the originality of the story or rather the experience mentioned in it. But it does not seem like something that is far-off. I would be lying if I say we don’t treat sex as such a taboo topic and when I say we, I mean the society as a whole.

Yes,we do crack those dirty jokes and have the awkward sex-ed classes but that’s about it. But, most of us are incapable of holding a proper conversation on sex. (OH! YES. I said it). When I asked a guy friend of mine what is wrong with talking about sex, he got very annoyed. At that point of time, I was standing up for the thought that women can also masturbate and fantasize if they want to and that it is perfectly normal ( I still believe that). He ( a very very close friend of mine) called me up and told me “Ithokkeyenthinaa koovi vilikaaane? Ithaaano ninnte feminism? Ni nalla oru veetile kutti elle?!” (Translation: Why do you have go around saying all this crap? Is this your feminism? Don’t you come from a morally good family?!) I did not know what to tell him. I still don’t because it makes no sense to me. These people from “morally good” families can watch Deepika Padukone and Sunny Leone in skimpy clothes with saliva dripping out of their mouths (okay,maybe, not thaaat much) but it is hai-ram-shame-shame when it comes to  completely physically normal things like sexual desires. The problem with associating sex with shame for the first eighteen or twenty years of your life is that you are going to take a long loooong time to get adjusted to it when it springs on your face. The problem with not talking openly about sex and having proper sex education is that it becomes something with a lot of unanswered questions. Either you romanticize it waaaay too much (that may lead to disappointment or that’s what I have heard) or you are just disgusted by it or you are just plain ignorant. Now, please, don’t jump into conclusions and say that I am promoting sex or whatever. I am just saying its a normal human thing. Its even a physiological need in Maslow’s need hierarchy theory!!

Another completely human process which is unavoidable that is associated with shame is menstruation. Some people have a problem with me telling that I am bleeding ( which I actually am). Some people have a problem with me asking for a pad out loud. Even now in college, if I get my periods and I don’t have a spare pad, I have to act like I am some ninja on a mission and go all undercover for a freaking sanitary napkin! Stop treating like its such a big deal! Trust me, you want me to bleed because if I didn’t you would call me impotent or barren or meaner names. Get over it. It happens every month. We have all learned about it in 8th grade Biology. It happens to your sister, your friend and your mother (which is the reason you even exist!) and it is going to happen till she is in her fifties.

If you sense anger in my tone here, it is because I’m kinda angry that we associate shame with perfectly normal things like this but most of us are not ashamed when we fat sham or bully people. We don’t feel ashamed when we walk past that woman who was being hit by her husband because it is “none of our business” (This is something I am also guilty of). We don’t feel ashamed when we isolate someone who might be a little different. We don’t feel ashamed when we don’t respect them. We don’t feel ashamed for so many things we do. But don’t worry I feel ashamed about the perfectly normal, unavoidable periods I get every month…

Not sure what this is about :P

Hello 🙂                                                                                                                                                           This is officially going to be my first post which is not a poem or a snippet. It is also going to be my first post which won’t be depressing ( Sorry about that). This is still, however, going to be a venting session kinda thing. ( Can’t let that go 😛 )

I’m an avid Facebook-er. That one person who is constantly there on Facebook sharing weird stuff and tagging you on memes. That is me. But once in a while, I decide to read through the “other side” of Facebook. Where everyone has their own opinions on everything- Trump, feminism, Modi, patriotism, religion and what not. That’s completely fine,to have an opinion. But things become scary when you go about thinking your opinion is the right one and others are just a bunch of fools. Another problem is when your opinions are shaky. This is when you would go to any extent to prove your point. The amount of hate in these comment sections are actually scary making one wonder if the world is actually as civilized as we assume it to be.
Recently, I was part of such a “debate” in Facebook and it was about Islamophobia. Now, I am a Muslim but I’m not very well versed with the Quran neither am I an expert in the Islamic way of living (not something I’m proud of). But I’m pretty sure that it does not support terrorism and definitely does not give license to kill anyone. And I’m not saying this because I am a Muslim. I believe that no religion directly asks us to cause any harm to anyone. I was bought up to respect everyone’s beliefs whether it is Christianity or Atheism as long as he/she is not using his faith as an excuse to blow peoples heads. I asked the lady who I was debating against which part of Quran encourages terrorism and pain to Non- Muslims ( in bit of a sarcastic, cocky manner). She did not like that, *at all*. Two days later, she replied, pointing out so many verses.
One of them was Quran (8:12) – “I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them”. After reading this I felt confused because I wasn’t well versed with the Quran to actually know whether it is true or not. I ended up asking my father about it and he told me that it was correct. I was shocked! :O But then he went on to say that is was just a verse out of a chapter. But that isn’t fair is it? How can you make sense out of the chapter by only reading one verse? You cannot make out an entire story just by reading “and they lived happily ever after” , can you?  When I read the translation of verses before and after, it dawned on me that they are talking about a war that had happened. I’m not going to go in the details (you can check them if you want to) because that is not what this post is about.
This post is about three things (if you still havent realized what they are since I’ve written in helter-skelter manner) :

  1.  It is okay to have your opinion and its okay to express it too but it is definitely not okay to be closed to any other opinion and it is definitely not okay to spread hate! Like my English professor always say, *we can always agree to disagree.*  🙂
  2. Don’t go around questioning peoples faith ie: if they are not causing any harm to you or anyone. *A persons beliefs is none of your business.* Certain groups of people who believe in the same religion as them maybe responsible for atrocious actions but that doesn’t give you the right to question them!
  3. Make sure your facts are right. * You cannot know an entire story just by reading a line*

And, yeah, one more thing. If one more person refers to these Talibanwalas as “my people” , I will actually go and shoot them! ( Okay, maybe I should refrain from using such terms. Sorry. *IT WAS A JOKE* Ha-Ha ) But seriously they are not “my people”. Nuh -uh!

Okay. Bye. Come and read the blog once in a while. 😀